I read the news about what happened in Berlin just before I wanted to start a long walk along the river up to a dam. It was through facebook. Somebody had posted that they were safe. Sensing some news I needed to sit down to, I did and read on. I was instantly in tears, some people around me, but they did not notice. I was considering to share with them what happened but then I did not. My feeling was to go ahead with my planned walk, earth would tell me how to face this sort of news so far away from my home town Berlin, my home for most of the last 10 years.
First I felt mostly helpless, would have liked to talk and be with my friends in Berlin as I know from similar situations that connecting and talking seems to be the only meaningful thing to do then.
But I walked on, along a beautiful trail, past the waterfall I had seen two days before. I wasn t able to connect to nature, even the waterfall seemed dull, I noticed my numbness, then after being aware of that I felt angry and sad and continued to walk. After a kind of bleak part of the trail all of a sudden nature just seemed to call out to me, abundance of green, palm trees, flowers in purple and yellow, I could see the beauty again.
Then at the dam which is opened every two hours for energy generation during the day watching the river bed fill in just 15 minutes I forgot my sadness for a while.
Then I walked the same trail back. I had packed enough food, there was nowhere on the way to stop in. I asked the earth what to do and I heard: be grateful that I am safe and well and then again and again to be grateful that I am able to be on this trip and have the experiences I am given. And send some love to Berlin.
When I came back to the camp I had walked around 23km, I was super tired, longing for a shower and some soaking in the pool, which I did. I was even wondering if I had enough power in me to get up and cook. And then I had and a man from Spain invited me to some meat he was preparing on the BBQ, I shared some of my rice and we had one of the most interesting conversations so far. He seemed to know himself so well, and he shared lots of his wisdom with me.
The next day, that was yesterday I did not feel like moving at all. Spent the day on one of the sunloungers at the pool, reading my book. I never spent a day like that I think, I secretly judge people who lounge around the pool like that. But yesterday I was even too tired to swim. M. who I talked to on the phone this morning helped me to see that that might have been one of my best days. I have this judgement about myself being lazy, must be my protestant upbringing. My father had this super strict protestant work ethic which I took on completely. Well now I know how nice it can be to lounge around for a whole day. And somehow sometimes the body really seems to need rest like that so that other parts of the body/mind system can process and there was a lot to process.
Also interesting that I assume I should be able to get up everyday and walk for miles. Yes, I have been a long distance runner for many years and take pride in having run a marathon but I did not seem to get it that I need a break sometimes. Lesson learnt!
This morning finally I followed my impulse to connect with Berlin. I talked to A. who is renting my apartment while I am away. So good to connect and hear that apparently Berlin is taking in what happened in a rather mature and peaceful way. I am glad!
Over dinner last night I had a strong impulse to have a little solstice ritual. It is very confusing that I am celebrating summer solstice when most of my friends are celebrating winter solstice. I consider myself to be well travelled, however being on/in the Southern hemisphere is still very new to me, a real expansion of travel consciousness.
My little ritual felt very good and afterwards I knew that today a new phase of my life is starting.
And yes, my energy is back, I walked along the big lake, found a nice coffee place, right here actually I am sitting on a runway over the lake.
Tonight I will have dinner with somebody I met in Mt Maunganui.